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You have to give Michelle Hunziker credit. She somehow manages to make a crotch shot look almost classy and somehow manages to avoid showing off anything she doesn’t want you to see. There are a few female celebrities that should take notes, here. Michelle looks flawless on Varigotti beach; almost wholesome and innocent, even if she is dangerously close to flashing the goody box. This Swiss actress, model, and singer sports a tiny blue bikini taking every chance to show off that round, firm perfect ass without looking desperate or skanky. This isn’t something many women can pull off. Maybe it’s that angelic smile or the lack of makeup. She’s just a girl on the beach enjoying the water. She just happens to look phenomenal while she’s doing it.

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It’s gotta be hard being Kourtney Kardashian. I mean, it’s gotta be harder being Khloe Kardashian, but still. If I was Kourtney, I would try to avoid ever being photographed in a bikini next to Kim because there’s just no competition here. Kourtney is a stunner – no question about that. She has the sort of body that would make a man beg. But Kim – Kim has that ass and there is just no competing with that thing. Kim’s ass is like crack – no pun intended. It’s addictive. J-Lo herself has to bow down and accept that Kim has stolen her crown. Kim Kardashian is the Queen of the Caboose and poor Kourtney isn’t even in the Royal Court. Here in South Beach, the sisters have fun playing on the beach and enjoying some quality sister time, but you can’t help but wonder if somewhere in Kourtney’s head, she isn’t hoping that Kim will decide to be modest and cover up that famous rear.

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What is Paris Hilton famous for again? Acting? Singing? Oh right. She’s famous for being famous. That pretty much sums it up. Paris is one of those girls that basically bought her fame but you know what? I don’t really care. There’s something about Paris I like. I can’t explain it. She’s like the yappy little dog you kinda wanna kick but don’t because it’s so cute and dumb. Yeah. That’s Paris. She’s annoying. She talks more than she should, but she’s also exceedingly cute. Here in St. Tropez, Paris shows us how hard she has it by drinking champagne, partying on the beach and posing for pictures. She has an image to live up to, after all. So what if she got busted for pot possession twice in one month? She has the money to pay a fine and buy herself out of any real trouble. She might spend a few hours in jail, but it’s all very been there, done that for Paris – and hey, a little time in the clink will give her street cred; something this girl lost a long time ago.

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Carolina Baldini is so hot she should be allowed in the water because her overwhelming hotness is going to boil it. Ladies and gentlemen – get your kids out of the water. It’s about to become a safety hazard. This babe is on fire. There’s no question. Just look at that ass – it’s perfect. Watch out sun worshipers of Miami Beach. Carolina has arrived. If you experience dizziness, blurred vision, nausea or weakness get as far away from Carolina as you can because you are getting heat stroke. This is a woman you need to admire for a safe distance. Remember, do not look directly at that ass or you may suffer permanent damage to your sight because that thing is so smoking hot it may burn your retinas. Always wear sunglasses when beholding such beauty. Safety first, folks.

Sofia Vergara is mind-numbingly beautiful and has the sort of healthy, natural looking body that puts stick thin, flat chested, lollipop headed actresses everywhere to shame. Here in Sardinia, Sofia shows those wafer thin women what a real woman is supposed to look like. I recently heard someone refer to Sofia Vergara as having a few extra pounds. I demand to know where. There is nothing chubby or chunky about this woman. Sure there might be a few rolls when she’s slouched over but any woman who eats food every day will have the same thing. Sofia doesn’t need to starve herself to be confident. She exudes self esteem and above all else, class. She has something those skinny models and actresses will never have; full, round, perfectly, drool-inducing breasts.

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AnnaLynne McCord and Kellan Lutz seem to have worked out their differences nicely and found a common ground. Perhaps the secret was coming to the conclusion they both love AnnaLynne in a bikini and really, who doesn’t? Sure the girl doesn’t seem to own any clothing that wasn’t designed to be worn to a beach, but who would complain about that? It only makes sense that she would choose to celebrate her birthday at Wet Republic. For AnnaLynne McCord, like is a beach and thank heavens for that. Of course Kellan loves her body and that is something Kellan and most of the men in the world have in common. Only difference? Kellan gets to touch that body. Lucky bastard.

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